Heard + Held exists to support mothers experiencing pregnancy and infant loss, and loss takes many forms. Different types of loss impact our lives in different ways, both emotionally and physically.
Our new blog post series entitled "Sacred Stories" will feature the personal stories of friends of Heard + Held, each of whom has walked through a different type of loss. These stories are for grieving parents; we hope you find hope in comfort in these words, and we hope you know that you are not alone. These stories are also for the families and friends of grieving parents; we hope they help you better understand what your loved one is experiencing. Finally, these stories are for us, the writers; in sharing our experiences, we find blessing and purpose in the lives we have lost.
This Sacred Story comes from Merci, a friend of ours who experienced an ectopic pregnancy: a pregnancy in which a fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, where it cannot survive. We are grateful to Merci for sharing her experience, and we hope it encourages you, the reader.
"Every year on December 8, I stop and thank God for my body and the two souls it has created. In 2019, my faith was not nearly as strong, and I questioned everything. It was Black Friday 2019 when I found out that my husband (of 3 months at the time) and I were expecting our first baby. I was on my way to New Orleans for a bachelorette trip, and I was so excited and was trying so hard to keep it a secret. By the second day of the trip, I was in a lot of pain and started bleeding, which was probably the scariest part. Two days later when I got home, I went straight to the doctor, and based off the ultrasound and my blood work, they were stumped. However, I have never been in so much pain. I remember crying in the car begging for them to see me before their lunch break was over. The doctor I was seeing did not take my pain seriously and basically told me to go to the ER if I got worse.
"Within 12 hours, I was at the ER being told the pregnancy was still viable. That made zero sense to me, based on my symptoms and since I had just been told 12 hours prior that a heartbeat could not be seen. I was sent home, and within another 12 hours, I was back while throwing up and in pain that was incredibly hard to speak through. It was not until this point that my OB was called, and she finally gave me the news that we had been dreading: we were experiencing an ectopic pregnancy.
"Surgery was needed, and when I asked what that would look like, my OB told me, “Do not worry, I have done this hundreds of times.” This statement did not sit well with me because I felt as if she was using all those mamas as a statistic. Once surgery was over, my numbers never dropped within normal ranges. This led me to taking medicines that were supposed to help (which were originally used for cancer patients). They only made me feel worse, and it was weeks before my body responded.
"Three months later, we were blessed with another bundle of joy from God, and his due date was also December. God knew I would need this little boy to show me that my body was capable and that He is all powerful and can make miracles happen. We had picked out names before my surgery in case we were ever able to know the gender, but unfortunately, we were not able to. However, our little boy carries the name we picked out, and that felt special. It ties their two souls together.
"I gave birth via C-section in December 2020, and life with our little man has not been easy. We have endured many hospital stays, allergies, physical limitations, and multiple other challenges over his 2.5 years of life. However, I have praised God for his life and the privilege it is to make sure he is well cared for. I know that there were days I would not have made it, so I truly believe that he has a guardian angel who knows exactly what is needed and what we are experiencing.
"The pain never goes away, and some days I still question why. However, I know the reason why he calls me “mama,” and he was always supposed to be my second child. His life will always remind me that I am a mom of two, and that feels so special because one of them is an angel."